Hello friends, I am writing this post on a whim, hoping for some feedback. Please let me know what you think.
We are living in an age of communication. Gone are the days when messages were sent by foot, horse or rail. Old fashioned letter writing has been dubbed "snail mail", it's practically outdated. Phone conversations are even being replaced by computers and cell phones with endless options. People simply don't get to know eachother the same way we did 10 years ago. This calls for other things to change along with; ettiquitte must be developed for these new means.
I am writing this because I would like your opinion on a rule my mom laid down a few years ago. When I got my first cell phone and email account, there had to be restrictions laid down. (With great power comes great responsibilty, and all that jazz.) One most important rule was this: That my sister and I, being girls, were not allowed to initiate texts, calls, emails, etc. to anyone of the opposite gender.
Mind you, we were allowed to communicate with guys, as long as they texted/called/emailed first. This was a rule my mom strictly enforced, we even had our phones taken away once or twice for disobeying. The reasoning behind this was that we believe guys are meant to be initiators. If a guy wants to talk to, or get to know a girl, he can do so. He shouldn't wait long enough for a girl to become aggresive. And that leads to another point. We believe girls should not be initiators. I can think of several female friends of mine right off the bat, that would text other guys constantly. That made them look not only aggresive, but flirtatious and even desprate.
That rule is still in place, though not as strictly enforced since April and I are older. And I've come to appreciate it very much. In my opinion, it hasn't ever harmed me, but rather helped. I would love to hear your feedback, please! I want to know what you think of this, was it a bit extreme? Or just perfect? Would you like to see more people putting this to practice?
I can see the reasoning behind the rule, it makes sense that you wouldn't want a woman to be initiating everything in a relationship. However, in the day-to-day conversation that is texting, I have no problem with a girl texting me before I text her. Sometimes I get a text from a girl who I haven't seen in a while, and it brightens my day. It isn't aggressive, or flirtatious, but it's like "hey, how've you been? I heard you've been busy with...etc.." However, if a girl texted me with something like "Wanna hang out tonight?" That would be treated differently. Basically, you should just use common sense and remember that each situation (and texter/textee) is unique :)
ReplyDeleteOh, also...a lot of guys actually like it when girls flirt with them (read: 99% of guys). So appearing flirtatious isn't really seen as a negative to a guy, but again, each case is different.
Haha, and remember too that many guys (mostly homeschooled ones) have their own opposite-sex-texting rule enforced. This creates a tricky communication situation. :/
ReplyDeleteI think the rule depends on the person and her age. I don't know you girls got your phones, but at younger ages I can definitely see this as a helpful rule, especially since in earlier guys and girls pretty much only flirt. This rule could also be useful if a particular girl a tendency toward flirtatiousness. However, when the rule should be lifted is a judgment call, but if your parents are wondering, I bet you could handle it.
ReplyDeleteSeeing as I am a guy I agree with Anonymous #1. It brightens my day quite a bit (depending on the girl) when I get a random txt from someone. Now mind you I don't like it when it's really personal or just plain obviouis that they're looking for more.
ReplyDeleteWhen it's strictly business however I see no reason for those rules to be implied. But please girls, dont make up questions just so you can ask them. We know.
In the end then it really just comes down to intentions.
If its a family friend your parents trust then I think its fine. If their is a great enough age difference to make sure things couldnt go anywhere then I believe thats fine as well.
First response! :D
ReplyDeleteI'd say that's a fantastic guideline to have, and kudos to your mom for implanting that. I don't know about the rest of the young men in the world, but I know I really appreciate it when girls wait for me "initiation", as opposed to them texting/emailing/IMing me first. I respect the girls who do far more because of it, because it shows that they 1. realize and respect that God created guys and girls with different roles and 2. that they want to honor both God and me by staying in those roles.
That's my feelings on the subject anyway, I'm curious to see what the rest of the guys have to say.
Wow. I actually really like that policy, or at least the principle behind it. I'll basically just add my dittos, however, I would like to say that I always really appreciate gals who let guys be guys. Likewise, it's always a blessing to see ladies who act like ladies. These are the type of women that men just naturally want to protect and look out for. :-)
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with the two above statements. A woman taking the initiative is not the greatest impression. Although I will add that I think there are certain exceptions to this, (ei confirming a meeting time/place, quick question, or statement etc.) That would generally be considered acceptable. Of course I suppose this too could be taken as flirting by some rather... eh desperate men. There also there are other considerations to take into account concerning relations between the individual parties, but as a general principle I have agree with you/your mother and say that men should be the initiators.
ReplyDeleteJust my 2 cents.
I'll add to those 2 cents. I like it. there's my to cents. most of the stuff I would say has already been said.
ReplyDeleteJust curious, where in the Bible does it say that men should be conversation initiators? Y'all are acting like it's a God-given law. I'd just like to challenge your thinking.
ReplyDeleteVery Good. I have to agree with all the stuff above. It's not too extreme either.
ReplyDeleteok... Here goes...
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the reasoning for this rule, and understand why some parents would choose to implement it. That being said, I have some thoughts to throw at it.
Much of this debate depends on the definition of the term "Initiate". Do we mean starting a friendship? Or simply a conversation? I agree that girls should not be the ones to initiate a friendship, but I have no problem with a girl starting a conversation once the friendship is established.
Also, there is a difference between a simple "Hey, hows it going?" and a girl throwing herself at a guy. The girl should be well adjusted to be able to start a conversation without it seeming inappropriate, she should also have good enough taste that she will not text a man who will misinterpret her intentions.
The girls role is to wait for the guy to pursue a relationship with them, but they still need to show the guy that she is interested in him, and I believe texting is another way for her to show interest.
I think, a better rule would be a "You can only text boys your parents have met and approve of".
That's my thought.
You said about what I was going to say. I mean I know the guy should make the first move in a relationship but as long as the girl is just trying to have a conversation and not start anything and the guy is mature enough to realize that she isn't trying to start something than it should be fine. But girls phone chasing guys isn't a good thing. But knowing you I know that you wouldn't do that.
ReplyDeleteReally quick, I'd like to second the statement, about ladies acting like ladies. It really does make a difference. It makes sense, too, if you act like a woman, guys will naturally treat you like one. Or at least the good ones will.
ReplyDeleteI know I'm a little late to get in on this, but I wanted to offer my opinion, anyway. I think that it's very wise of your parents to encourage an understanding of the difference between men's and women's roles. God intends men to be the initiators, and women to be the responders, and He fashioned our hearts to function best that way, in accordance with His design. Our culture has mostly abandoned this concept, so it takes constant discipline to make sure that we maintain our proper roles. And I think that parents of young adolescent girls can use rules like "no initiating texts with boys" as a great *tool* to teach proper, Christ-centered gender roles.
ReplyDeleteHOWEVER— when it comes to the question of "is it right or wrong for me to initiate texts with guys," frankly, I think you're asking the wrong question. I think you are *all* asking the wrong questions.
The question is not, "is it right or wrong?" The question is not, "what does it mean to initiate?" And the question isn't even, "what's my role as a woman?"
The ONLY question we should be asking about this is, "How does this contribute to MY love and knowledge of God, and to the OTHER PERSON'S love and knowledge of God?" When you're sitting there with your cell phone in hand, scripting the text you want to send, stop and ask four questions— "Will this help me love Jesus more? Will this help me know God more? Will this help HIM love Jesus more? Will this help him love God more?" If you can answer yes to those four questions, then by all means SEND THAT TEXT!! If you can't answer yes to those questions, then you do whatever is in question.
You see, this isn't about good rules, or high standards, or conforming to some preconceived idea about what we should be or look like. It's about being like Jesus.
Please don't get me wrong— I have my own standards and convictions on things, to be sure. But the older I get, and the more I come to know God, the more I understand that the Christian life is a personal relationship of obedience to a personal Savior. Therefore— if having a rule of "no initiating texts with guys" is the way that God teaches you to know and love Him more, then keep that rule. But you should ONLY keep that rule because God has asked you to... not because it keeps you "safe."