Not Perfect

   I did it again, killed my contentment. It's an act of murder that I occasionally pull off very well, naturally aided by my human sense of self-pity.

   For the sake of avoiding complaining, I won't tell you what I did, but I'm sure you could name it in less than two guesses. My thorn bothers me a lot more frequently than I let on. But I shouldn't have said that... unless it makes you feel better to know that I am fully human too.

   God bless my mother, I should know better than to complain to her. She instantly shot down all of my complaints, cutting me to the quick with truth that I can't avoid. I know that I'm not as bad off as I tell myself, and she knows it too. And every time, she has a new nugget of truth for me to add to my treasure. Last night, she told me that my state is a blessing. She has been praying for me to see that what I so quickly label as "suffering" is really a gift.

   Even now, it's difficult for me to fathom. My mind can't so readily believe something that doesn't make sense. But I know that she is right, and I ought to live by it. I can't live my life on the fence, wanting what I don't have. I'd be ignoring all the wonderful things that I already possess! I have been given many wonderful blessings that I couldn't possibly pursue under different circumstances.

   During my time with the Lord this morning, I spent all of my prayer time wrestling with resigning myself to the Lord. I want to believe His promises, I want to trust Him. I want to believe that this is good. Even more than the desire to wallow in pity, I want to be content, and to be satisfied in the Lord.

   Then I found a note I had written several weeks ago, in an odd place no less.

   Thus will He bring our spirits down,
And draw our ebbing comforts low;
   That saved by grace, but not our own,
We may not claim the praise we owe.

-- John Newton

   The Lord has put this thorn in my side to cause me to lean on Him. To depend on Him. To let go of the things I am clinging so tightly to. He suffered greater, unfathomable misery and abandonment on the cross so that sin would have no power over me. I ought not struggle with doubt and discontentment.

   Instead of bemoaning my state, I ought to be sending praise to the Father for giving me such grace. It's not what I don't have that I should be dwelling on. It pales in comparison to what I DO have.

   As I pondered and meditated, God brought several promises to mind -- to prove to me that He is sufficient, and I don't need anything else to make me happy.

-- God chose me, He loves me. I am His beloved.

-- I tend to reject Him, just like Gomer. I am prone to wander, I raise up idols and commit adultery. But the Lord is faithful! He always draws me back to Himself, He always forgives.

-- I am His bride, He purifies me and presents me spotless. Ephesians 5:25-27

-- He is the High Priest - the sacrifice for my sin, and the mediator of my prayers. He speaks to God on my behalf.

-- He is my refuge and stronghold. I run to Him for safety and rest.

-- He knows every trial I suffer, He knows every feeling. Like a best friend who has gone through the same troubles I have, and gives good advice and comfort.

-- Christ has my anchor within the veil, He keeps me securely in His presence and always draws me nearer. I know that I can't stray far.

-- He is the strength of my life.

-- I dwell in His presence, He hides me in His tabernacle -- His dwelling place. Psalm 27

   And so, once again, I remember Philippians 4:6-7. That is my formula for contentment. I will be anxious for nothing, I will not allow myself to be worried or unhappy over things that I can't control. Instead, I open my hands and let go. I lay it before God and leave it there. I thank Him for His grace, and his promises. I ask Him to be my sufficiency. I ask Him to make me satisfied in Him. And I wait for His incomprehensible peace to protect me. To guard me, and to leave me filled with joy and trust.

   I need nothing else. The Lord is enough for me.

Lamentations 3:22-26  |  Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. “ The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “ Therefore I hope in Him!” The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, To the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should hope and wait quietly For the salvation of the LORD.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10  |  And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Psalm 43:5  |  Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; for I shall yet praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God.